Halloween ( a little late), deer season, and my decision....

The kids and my mom.

Garrison the lion. He loved "roaring" to everyone.

Alex and G...he was tired of walking.

Zadie the "cheetah" cat.

Me and the kids.  We have a picture like this from the last 3 years. Don't know what's going to happen when they start getting bigger, or we add another one to the mix.

Halloween was great! Mom's neighborhood, which I would really like to move to sometimes, has a great thing going. The ones who want to participate come to one location and we eat hot dogs and other goodies...the others go back to their houses and wait for us (the kids) to arrive via a hayride...which my 2 absolutely loved this year. It's always great fun, and Zadie usually attaches herself to about a 10-12 year old girl who she thinks wants to be her friend! Guess she likes the attention....


 Now, I am not a hunter, I don't claim to be a hunter, nor do I ever want to shoot anything.  However, growing up, my step-dad, brother and mom shot deer or other animals.  What kind of wife would I be if I didn't post a picture of the biggest deer hubby has ever shot?!  He was so proud, and why not...it's a pretty big one.  Of course it's getting mounted and we haven't agreed on just exactly where it will go in our house...

Alex and his "big" deer

My doctor's appointment didn't go exactly as I had planned.  The sac was still there and I had a complete meltdown.  I really thought I had passed it at some time on my own.  Of course, it was a Monday and her office was super busy, and there were pregnant women everywhere...which didn't help my emotions at all.  She had to leave real quick to go deliver a baby, and then we would talk about what next...in the mean time, I sat there in that little room and cried.  I called my mom and she even volunteered to come up there..which was very sweet, but I didn't know what I wanted.  It was weird I was even feeling this way.  It wasn't like I was just finding out there wasn't a baby...I don't know.  My hormones I know are to blame for all of this...but, that being said, didn't help me stop crying.  When she came back (it was quick), we started talking about the d&c...my fear wasn't it, as much as being put to sleep...but I knew what had to be done, so we scheduled it for Friday.  To say the least, I am glad it's over, and the process itself was nothing...the freaking IV hurt worse than anything.  It still doesn't feel complete...I still cry and still think about another one and if I should even think about it or try.  There is no just waiting and seeing for me...I have to have help getting pregnant.  I just think about how much easier it would be if I could just be normal and let things happen "naturally"...ugh, it really sucks and it tends to get me down at times.  But I am going to be fine.  I have two beautiful kids to be thankful for, and they are so perfect and wonderfully made and play so well together...but my heart still desires another baby.  I see people all the time on facebook announcing pregnancies, showing off their precious newborns in the hospital...and I am super happy for them, just sad on the inside.

Speaking of being thankful, this next weekend is Thanksgiving and I have so many things to be grateful for.  I have been trying to post it as my facebook status everyday at what I am thankful for, and some are silly, but still thankful for them all the same.

I hope you all have a glorious Thanksgiving holiday with your families.  I know I will enjoy being with my sweet little family.

doctor's appointement's and decisions

>Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to see if I have passed the sac on my own...I know, it's a little much to read about, but I am going to write it anyway. I really think I have, judging on how things have been going. She will do a sonogram and tell me. I am still on the fence about things if it is still there. I have talked to different people about having a D&C done, and opting not to...two very different situations and healing factors are involve.

If there is still something there, a part of me really wants to get it out and be over the whole process of having something in me. I haven't cried in a while, but one night last week I got upset thinking about how I would've been 12 weeks, and I would be out of the scary part...yeah, well I already faced the scary part of there being no baby. It just sucks. Not to mention, everywhere I go there are pregnant people...and the school where I work, 4 of them!!! It just makes my heart hurt a little and makes me jealous, and that's such a terrible thing to be. I am happier for them, than I am jealous, but it still makes me yearn for a baby terribly.

She has reassured me that I could have a healthy baby and pregnancy after 35 (which I will be in December). And I know plenty of people who do, just not around here...and most people don't think I am that old anyway,(because I don't act like it.) Anyway, she said we needed to wait 2 months to start trying again. Well, that means a lot to me, because I am not a regular kind of gal. I probably will have to have help having a period, because I don't have them on my own usually (something that has been happening since I started having periods.) Then I will have to have help ovulating...*cue the Clomid to the stage. It's a process, and it's not a hard one, I have gotten pregnant the first round I have taken it, but I have to plan it around trips and tests given at school and things that happen in a daily life. It's like planning a family reunion...and I know I shouldn't complain, there are plenty of people who have to do far more than that to get pregnant. I was blessed with getting pregnant on my own with Garrison. I mean, I didn't even know I was pregnant with that child until I was 10 weeks...

So, that is where I am in my life personally. I just strongly believe we are supposed to have a family of 5, not 4. However, if it doesn't happen, I know God has his plans and his reasons...and that's okay too.

I have been so fortunate to have such great friends, family, and co-workers. The day I came back to school they had cooked an enchilada lunch for me, including sopapilla cheesecake. I have gotten cards, e-mails, phone calls and texts...it's been great to talk to so many different people who have experienced something like this, or just to let me know they have been thinking of me. It's a great feeling to know you have so many people on your side. It's something I will be forever grateful for.