doctor's appointement's and decisions

>Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to see if I have passed the sac on my own...I know, it's a little much to read about, but I am going to write it anyway. I really think I have, judging on how things have been going. She will do a sonogram and tell me. I am still on the fence about things if it is still there. I have talked to different people about having a D&C done, and opting not to...two very different situations and healing factors are involve.

If there is still something there, a part of me really wants to get it out and be over the whole process of having something in me. I haven't cried in a while, but one night last week I got upset thinking about how I would've been 12 weeks, and I would be out of the scary part...yeah, well I already faced the scary part of there being no baby. It just sucks. Not to mention, everywhere I go there are pregnant people...and the school where I work, 4 of them!!! It just makes my heart hurt a little and makes me jealous, and that's such a terrible thing to be. I am happier for them, than I am jealous, but it still makes me yearn for a baby terribly.

She has reassured me that I could have a healthy baby and pregnancy after 35 (which I will be in December). And I know plenty of people who do, just not around here...and most people don't think I am that old anyway,(because I don't act like it.) Anyway, she said we needed to wait 2 months to start trying again. Well, that means a lot to me, because I am not a regular kind of gal. I probably will have to have help having a period, because I don't have them on my own usually (something that has been happening since I started having periods.) Then I will have to have help ovulating...*cue the Clomid to the stage. It's a process, and it's not a hard one, I have gotten pregnant the first round I have taken it, but I have to plan it around trips and tests given at school and things that happen in a daily life. It's like planning a family reunion...and I know I shouldn't complain, there are plenty of people who have to do far more than that to get pregnant. I was blessed with getting pregnant on my own with Garrison. I mean, I didn't even know I was pregnant with that child until I was 10 weeks...

So, that is where I am in my life personally. I just strongly believe we are supposed to have a family of 5, not 4. However, if it doesn't happen, I know God has his plans and his reasons...and that's okay too.

I have been so fortunate to have such great friends, family, and co-workers. The day I came back to school they had cooked an enchilada lunch for me, including sopapilla cheesecake. I have gotten cards, e-mails, phone calls and texts...it's been great to talk to so many different people who have experienced something like this, or just to let me know they have been thinking of me. It's a great feeling to know you have so many people on your side. It's something I will be forever grateful for.